As I think about all that's happened in the last couple weeks,I realize that I've learned a lot about the people that are really close to me. For example, the fact that my mom totally shuts down and shows no emotion when something really bad happens. I have also realized that I have a lot of people to thank.
I want thank my mom. I know it sounds super cliché, but I'm being totally serious when I say that she's done SO MUCH for me. Even when I was at the age that I was totally awful to her and going through a lot, she tried to do everything she could to help me get better. After my mom lost her mom a few weeks ago, I started thinking about what I would do if my mom passed away. I don't think that I would have been nearly as strong as my mom. We got the news in the car, and as I broke down, she stayed strong and tried to comfort me, even though I feel like it should have been the other way around.
PART TWO
I wrote part one of this post a few months ago, and since then, a lot has happened between my mom and me. Earlier this month, I came home from a party and said some really awful stuff to her. I don't remember what I said, and I don't want to know. I could tell by the way she spoke to me the next morning, though, that it was awful. I find it hard to believe that after everything that I've put her through, she still looks at me with such pride and love. I have not been nice to her, especially in the last month. In a time where I should have been appologetic, and when I should have been trying to earn her trust back, I just continued to hurt her. We each have our issues and we both have trouble dealing with them.
I don't even know where to begin.
Mom, you are the strongest woman I have ever met. You have dealt with a daughter that has had severe anxiety for her entire life. This anxiety led to eating disorders and crazy mood swings as I hit puberty. You were with me throughout all of that. Although we didn't talk much at the time, your concern did mean a lot to me. I was rude, ungrateful and downright mean. Those weren't my intentions, but that's how it was. The fact that we managed to work through that time of my life together astounds me. The fact that we are still on speaking terms after I said whatever I said to you last month shocks me even more. Although I can't promise that I'll never screw up again, I can promise that I will try my best never to speak to you like that again. I will never hurt your feeling intentionally, and I will never take you for granted. I love you.
After the phone call we received last night from the doctor, I thought long and hard about how much you mean to me. I could never have made it this far in my life without you, and I never want to have to live without you. Let's hope that your next appointment brings good news, and that whatever they see on the ultrasound is not as scary as what I'm imagining right now.
I love you so much, mom. And I am thankful for every moment that I've gotten to spend with you. I'm hoping that we become closer in the future, and that our differences subside, eventually. I have learned so much from you, and have inherited so many of your qualities. I think that sometimes, that's why we argue: because we're so much alike.
Although it doesn't always seem like it, I do look up to you. And I do want you to know how I feel. I just have trouble communicating in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, I think we both just need to step back and take a minute to realize that not everybody gets this opportunity. This chance to share so many experiences between mother and daughter. Even though they haven't all been good, they've helped us to grow. And I want to thank you for each and every one of them.
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